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Thursday, April 07, 2005

Oh where oh where has my AF gone...

Warning:: A broken-unedited post written by me, through tears. Consider yourself warned.

Day 4 of no AF, but today my stomach decided to take issue with me and cramp like crazy. We all know what will happen next. I'll test tonight when I get home and if I get a negative, that's it, I'm moving on. Can't take the stress, it's eating away at my mind.

I was recently talking to someone about my absolute desire to have children. A whole life spent taking care of children and now the time has come for me to have my own. How is it possible that something you want so desperately, doesn't come easy? When I think about how slim the chances even are of getting pg in any given month, it makes my head spin. To break it down:

You are only fertile 1 day out of a month.
In perfect circumstances if you timed it right, you still only have somewhere around 20% chance that you will become pg.

How is it that so many one night stands end up in pregnancy, or the teenager who only tried it once. How did that ONE day fall at just the right time. I just want to know where I can get some of that luck.

Worst case scenario: I'm told something is wrong and I'll never conceive.
Best case scenario: Nothing is wrong, and I'm just an idiot and stressing out too much. But if I can't conceive, we'll save and nurture someone else's child they couldn't care for.

I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. Evertime I get my hopes up, I come crashing down to tears and heartache.

For once in my life, please just let this come easy to me.


  • At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Matt said…

    I have you in my prayers, I am praying for you and your dreams to come true.

    Plus I think you are going to make a wonderful mother. You have so much love in your heart.

    Always thinking about you...hugs


  • At 1:32 PM, Blogger lainb said…

    oh, my friend, i am keeping you in my thoughts and trust that you'll be blessed with a postive test...i'm so sorry to hear of the stress and frustration this is putting you through, but try to keep your spirits high...it can often take several months/years for couples to conceive (i know, not what you want to hear). But, I have often wondered the same thing--how do so many one-night stands end up in pregnancies since the window of opportunity is so small!

  • At 1:54 PM, Blogger Mia Goddess said…

    You don't know me, but I read your journal through Denise's "Do You Have That in My Size". Anyway, I have been reading about your desire to be pregnant, and I have wanted to say this for a long time, but since you don't know me, I didn't want it to sound like I was dismissing your anxieties as unimportant. So, please, understand that I'm just explaining something that helped me!

    I think getting pregnant the first time is very anxiety provoking (I'm currently pregnant with my second, my son is 4) because *being* pregnant is the only indication that you *can* get pregnant. Up until that moment that you conceive, there's no way of knowing that you or your partner are physically able to do so. So every time your period comes, it doesn't feel like "oh well not this time", it feels like, "Is this it? Is there something *wrong* with me?" But the truth is, most people *don't* get pregnant in the first few months - many do, but not most. Basically, something like 92% or so of women trying to conceive will do so in the first year. Of those women who don't conceive in the first year of trying, 6% more will conceive in the second year. (I seem to recall that these skew slightly away from your favor with age, but you're young.)

    I know these are just statistics, and I also know that if you are *not* one of the 98% that will conceive naturally in 2 years, when you really *want* this, nothing could be more heartbreaking. I also understand that 2 years is a long time to wait!

    I'm only saying these things because it helps shift the perspective away from "there MUST be something wrong with us" to "it's just not our time - yet!"

    The chances that there is something wrong with either of your ability to conceive is less than 2 out of 100. Not very likely, at all.

    When (not if) it does happen for you that little baby is going to be very lucky to be coming into a family that wants him/her so much!
    - Mia

  • At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Awww, I have no words just big big hugs for you!! I cant imagine how you feel and I sympathize with you 100%. When it does happen your going to make the best best Mommy in the world!!, you seem like such a sweet good person, I will say a special prayer for you!!

  • At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    that anonymous was me (Lori honeydrizzled@hotmail.com)

  • At 2:14 PM, Blogger Denise said…

    I'm glad to see my buddy, Mia, here, too. She's a great girl and I think she's right on target with her comments. I will only say that you are such a wonderful person, Rebecca, and it's so clear that you're meant to be a mother that I'm absolutely certain that you will become one, one way or another. So much love and a home just waiting for the right child...that's too perfect!

  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Shannin said…

    As I was reading your post about how you are only fertile one day a month, etc. all I could think about is, "Then why does it happen as an accident so often?"

    Anyway, not sure if this will help, but my boss and his wife tried for over a year to get pg. It finally happened and they have a beautiful 14 mo. old baby girl. Well, they were talking about a second child, timing of getting pg, etc., and she just found out last week that she is -- definitly not on plan. Maybe what Mia said is right -- it's the first one that's so hard.

    Hang in there. We're all rooting for you -- even without truely knowing you, I think you are going to be a fantastic mother. Speaking as an adopted child, any child is going to be lucky to have you and Aaron as parents.

  • At 11:06 PM, Blogger girl from florida said…

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better... please know I am still praying for you guys!

    That is so shocking to think of conception the way you put it- the tiny chance of becoming pregnant. I know God will bless you when the time is right, and you will be a wonderful mother and wife when that time comes.

    Much love & prayers.

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Dazed said…

    No words, just hugs!

  • At 9:42 PM, Blogger Audree said…

    this "Nothing is wrong, and I'm just an idiot and stressing out too much" sounda bout right. cheer up pretty lady! your time will come soon enough.


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