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Thursday, February 17, 2005

What a rush

Boy did I forget how good it felt to workout.

In February of 2003, I was getting over a breakup and I had a lot of feelings I was trying to surpress. That's when I found the gym. I'd plug in my cd player and run up the steps to the indoor track and walk. And walk. And walk. I'd play music that got my mind racing and I'd walk FAST. Anger would come out in my face, looking like I was in pain and I was practically singing along to the music (because that's what music does to me) and I'd make it a goal to pass people and push my short legs harder. I wouldn't try to make people feel bad for being passed by me, it was just a game I played with myself to workout harder.

Shortly after I started at the gym I had to go to the heart doctor because my heart rate while working out was astronomical. The machines I used would beep so fast and tell me to slow down when I was barely walking briskly. Doctor checked out the heart though and compared it to a car. "A car has gears, you go from first, to second, to third. Except to your heart, there is no second, it goes straight from first to third." Ok by me doc, as long as I'm not going to keel over from working out, we're cool. But it was at this visit where I learned what I weighed. 195. Uh-uh. not happening. I remember going home mortified and crying to my mom and wondering what the hell was going on with my body. We both had done Weight W@tchers that summer before and she had lost 11 pounds and I gained 5. We did EXACTLY the same thing. I failed. So, I hit the gym hard and within 4 months I was down to 170. At this point, (July) I met Aaron. Soon my nights were filled with lovey-dovey movies and dinners of rich food. I was happy. And thus the weight came on.

When I met Aaron in July, by that December I had balooned up to 202. I had weighed myself at his mother's house and was dumbfounded. All that work for nothing.

Stress ensued, Aaron lost his job, while I got my very first set of stretchmarks. EVER. I panicked, but there just wasn't time to get to the gym while I was in school and working full time. It wasn't about my eating anymore, or portions. I'd get full off a bowl of cereal. (Just an example, I don't care for cereal.) While Aaron could eat 5 and still want more. I wasn't eating unhealthy either, it was just about the stress. At some point I went for a glucose test, thyroid test, which all came back negative. I was balooning because of stress, or so my doctors ALL told me.

While all this was occuring, I was going for epidural blocks and facet blocks almost monthly because of the pain I had in my neck. And then the surgery came...Typical recover time is about 6 months after a level two cervical fusion. I went back to work after 2 weeks. I simply went stir crazy from sitting in our apartment. (Just to give you an idea of how tense I keep myself at all times) We moved that August because our lease was up and Aaron didn't want to renew, and we found ourselves renting a bedroom in a house and we were broke, in schoool, working, and I went up to 219. By that November we had to do something, so we wanted to see if we'd get approved for a mortgage. We were. We moved into our house in December, and I weighed 225. A little while after we moved in I discovered the South Be@ch Diet. I was eating less than before, which I ASSURE you was not very much. I'd be lucky to eat a couple peanut butter and celery sticks all day. I went down to 210 in 3 days. Felt a twinge in my lower abdomen (or the general area) and found out if I kept going at the rate I was I would permanetly damage my kidneys. I nipped that in the bud real quick. At this point Aaron and I had been engaged since September and wedding plans were underway. The year that was ahead of us included, a new dog, cat, boat, car, and stress like you wouldn't believe. By our wedding day, October 16, 2004, I weighed 240.

Yesterday I weighed myself at 240.

So I get a little angry with people when they automatically assume that fat people are fat because they chose to be that way and they are lazy and eat too much.

What a bunch of crap.

I assure you if I didn't have a job that required me to be at a desk, I would never sit still. I don't sit still at home, movies, dinner, anywhere. I'm always perched, ready to jump up at the speed of light. I've tried yoga, pilates, etc. I literally start to hyperventilate when I try any of these things.

Certain happenings in my life have made me this way and unless I learn to de-stress in any way I can, I will continue to see the numbers on the scale rise and rise. I now have time to go back to the gym since the degree has been awarded, the wedding done, I'll be able to release the stress through sweat. Sounds gross, but sometimes, you do what you gotta do. Especially since all I really feel like I can muster is going home to clean the house, cook, and get some chores done, watch maybe one t.v. show and crash into bed.

God help me, it's just the energy getting to the doors of the gym that's hard. The rest is easy.


  • At 11:03 AM, Blogger Sapphire's Soul said…

    I sympathize, totally. I weigh about what you do. I'm at my highest weight ever. I have 3 kids, the youngest is 11 months old.

    I lost a lot of weight when I left my ex and it was just me and the (then) two kids. I ate differently, maybe? I was stressed, but in a different way than I am now.

    Now, I'm remarried, and had the third child. In the last 4 years, I think I've gained 40 pounds. Now, instead of grabbing a grilled cheese sandwich for supper, I eat the meal we prepare. My husband is a big fan of big suppers. I'm trying now to revert to the habit of my single days and eat a lot smaller supper. We'll see how that goes.

    OK, now I'm guilted into hitting the treadmill. (thanks)

  • At 11:18 AM, Blogger lainb said…

    I'm glad to hear you had a pleasant experience back at the gym. One of my primary interests in the health field is weight management and I STRONGLY believe that stress plays a huge roll in it. In fact, my workouts are 85% for mental reasons and 15% for physical reasons! Evidence shows that stress most definitely can contribute to weight gain...which can be so frustrating when you're eating less and should be losing! You're on the right track though with the exercise...since exercise is one of the BEST forms of stress management, PLUS the benefits of fat loss & muscle gain……way to go! :)

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger Opaco said…

    how sore are you the day after your workout?

  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger Dazed said…

    Well done Rebecca! =) And so true that the hardest part is getting out the door to the gym, once your there, its all worth it! Keep it up!

  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger bek said…

    really, you inspire me. i am in the same weight range as you, AND i've already lost 45 pounds. now you see the PROBLEM. i have the boys, but hell, the youngest is 19 mos old. can't blame it on that one anymore. so im on la weightloss which really does work. however, ive recently gone off birth control pills and have become a complete stress case. im bitchy, im sad, im happy, im mad...im a mess!

    so in short, i completely agree with you - stress is our WORST enemy on the road to weightloss. its tough. REALLY tough, but you're well on the right track. keep it up!!

  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger steve said…

    I'm curious to know what your heart rate was, because that's what happens to me--going from 1st to 3rd. Exercise for the good mental feeling and let the good looks follow.

  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger Tuna Girl said…

    I'm right there with you. I just started back to the gym after having to take some time off for surgery. It feels so good to be back.

    If you ever need an online get-your-ass-to-the-gym buddy, just let me know.

  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous jen said…

    I need to join a gym. Wish I had a 'buddy' lol. I have been eating well for awhile now, exercising...no loss. It is making me crazy. I have thyroid issues that we are trying to get worked out. My Doc says underneath the weight I am fit..good muscle tone ...but just can't drop the weight. I bike 40 miles or so a week (weather permitting), I have an elliptical that I actually use...I walk...nothing. I am thisclose to just calling it a day...

    Good Luck to you!!


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