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Thursday, September 09, 2004

Caught in a trap

Grab some coffee, this is a long one.

Feel the need to get my thoughts out, but I don't know specifically what I'm aiming for. All my life I believed I was supposed to do something great. After high school I was supposed to go away to college and experience dorm life, graduate as a child psychologist, live in NY in an apartment and walk everywhere because there was no need for a car, live a life that was my own. I can't help but think I've let myself down. That I've let go of my dreams because I was too scared to reach for them. Actually, I think I was dreaming too big. And I know life is good right now and that I'm lucky to have Aaron and a house and all the toys we do, but is this all there is? I suppose everybody thinks about this at one time or another, and they have a name for it. "Mid-Life-Crisis." Could it be possible I'm having one of those at age 22?? If anybody knows this line from a song, "We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves..." That's how I feel.

Sometimes I just want to pick up Aaron and Delia and move us somewhere. But I don't kow why or where. It's a weird feeling. Yesterday I was at the doctor because I was having pain and some other problems and the next thing I know is I'm being checked for an infection and I'll be having an ultrasound on my ovaries next week. If something is wrong with my ovaries and I'm not able to carry children, I'm not sure what I'll do. Every dream I've had for myself included children. From being young and taking care of my sisters I knew I loved children so much and it was a given that I would have some of my own. Now, I guess we'll see. Aaron doesn't see how scared I am that the worst will come true. He see's me cry when I think about it all and I look into his eyes and wish he could console me. But what can he do? Tell me it's all going to be ok? Nobody can promise that. Upon my examination yesterday, the doctor didn't feel anything abnormal, but the pain is there, and that's the reason for the ultrasound. I'll certainly keep this updated on that topic.

On the weight front, I finally told Aaron how much I weighed. You can pick your jaw up off the ground now. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.(No pun intended) From the two years I've known him, from what I weighed then and now, I've gained 65 lbs. Sixty-freakin-five pounds. Wouldn't someone have to literally sit around eating all day to gain that much?? That's not me! I have no health problems because of weight, yet, and I'm gaining everyday despite my best efforts. Not ONE single doctor even bats an eye when they see what I weigh or how much I've gained. All they do is say "well, if you're that unhappy, you could join weight watchers..." Been there folks, done that. Didn't help. I don't have a thyroid problem, that's been checked already. I am a candidate for that stomach stapling surgery. For my Height of 5'1, I'm supposed to weigh around 115 pounds. What do I weigh? 239. The thing is, I should say I'm blessed because my weight is distributed evenly. I only look like I need to lose maybe 50 pounds. Blessed? I'm not so sure. The math is simple, take in less than is given out and you'll lose weight. Everybody knows what to eat and what not too. So why isn't it that simple?

Lurking feeling that something inside is happening and I don't like it one bit. So for the first time, I'm leaning. On anything that will support me. We all know my first source of support is Aaron, but I'm afraid he'll get so tired of it all and want out. I know this isn't true because he loves me so much, it's just that loved and left before feeling.

So, I'll be the one sitting on the sidelines, waiting for the black clouds to pass.


  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger Thumper said…

    I can tell you from personal experience that dreams just don't die...sometimes they're just delayed. Look at me--I knew from the time I was little that I wanted to be a writer. I made stabs at it and even a few sales, but by the time I was your age I was married and had a baby...and Real Life interrupted.

    But...eventually it happened. The external parts of the dream--things like yours, New York and all that--changed, but when I was busy dreaming those things I did't have the Spouse Thingy. And the people we bring into our lives and the sense of home that they bring make those changes worthwhile.

    Don't give up on your dreams--and there's no such thing as dreaming too big--just be open to changes in The Dream, and don't be afraid of it being delayed. It can be even sweeter when you've had to wait.

    And I hear ya on the weight thing. I cannot lose weight for anything. But ya know, just because you have normal thyroid hormone output, that doesn't mean your body uses it correctly...And frankly, that sucks!

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    I get that "urge" you talk about to pick up and move somewhere new, to start all over. In fact its a dream of mine on most days. And I agree with the above commenter, it doesnt mean your dream is dead.

    About the cyst. I will say a prayer for you and just a little insight, I had a cyst in between children 2 & 3. I had the ultrasound and was basically told being on bc pills would help it shrink. Ive never really had any more problems since then, so its not a definate that you will not be able to have children. But I can imagine the fear.

    The weight thing.. Geesh are we going to the same drs? Mine told me to drink slim fast drinks. This was after gaining 10 lbs in 1 week! Yes you read that right. Of course it was after a miscarriage so my hormones were outta wack, but I was hoping for some better insight then that. I have finally been able to lost 32 lbs from my highest weight, but have been stuck here for months now. Its such a hard thing to fight.

    I realy hope everything turns out ok on the ultrasound and that things turn around for you. ((Hugs))

  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger Shannin said…

    I don't want to toss out the old adage of, "Just hang in there," especially because when everything is going to hell, sometimes you just want to let go. I'm thinking of you and hope everything goes OK with the ultrasound.
    Often, I wonder if my dreams left me or if I let them die. Maybe you need new dreams, or to revisit old ones. Regardless, you're never too old to dream.

  • At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ah I so hear ya. I think because your feeling overwhelmed with the unknown that it has made you sad and that's why these feelings are revisiting you.

    Chances are good that whatever is going on in the woman department it will not interfer with your chances at children.

    Have you tried the Atkins diet yet? It does work, I lost 75 pounds in 5 months on it, but alas, like all diets when you quit eating that way it will slowly creep back on.

    I've had the stomach surgery and most days I'm glad I did. I don't have to worry about overeating so I know I won't get fat again like I did on all my other diets. If you think you might like to have the surgery then explore it for your own information. It is changing a lot of lives. Have you looked at my before and after pics? I would do it again in a heart beat.


  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger Denise said…

    Hey girlie girl, you are probably about the same size as I am, so I'm totally feeling you on this. Persist in watching what you eat and exercising regularly and it will come off, no matter how slowly. I hate "slow", don't you?

  • At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh honey...you are so not alone. I'm 32 and still hold tight to dreams I had in my youth. Unfortunately, three kids later I do realize most of those will no longer come true and I've had to revamp my entire "what I want to do with my life" thoughts. I remember the sense of loss when I realized that, it's overwhelming, sad, scary and frustrating. However, what I found I needed to do was pick up the pieces, face my new reality and move on as best I could. Some days are good and some days are bad but they're always just days and I do what I have to do to get through the bad ones. As far as weight goes...that's been an issue for me my entire life and I still haven't found the answer to that! (no surprise huh) What works for one doesn't always work for another and I'm not willing to have any kind of surgery so I have to find an alternate route, I know it's out there I just either haven't found it or I haven't committed myself to it yet. I know telling you that you aren't alone doesn't always help but...you're not and for what it's worth...I'll certainly keep you in my prayers.


  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger Audree said…

    i'm really hoping that this isn't what it is, but you might have PCOS. [polycystic ovarian syndrome].

    with pcos, it would be easy for you to gain weight and practically impossible for you to lose it (unless on medication). i have pcos.

    reason i don't wish it for you is because it makes getting pregnant really hard.

    my best wishes are with you!


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