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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Dreaming with my eyes open

I have been dreaming a lot lately. You usually dream every night whether you remember the dream or not. I usually do remember mine. I have since I was really little. Some seem very real and some I know are dreams. I literally had to jolt myself into reality once when I woke up in the middle of the night because the dream I had was that real.

So this week and lately I've been under a ton of stress and I guess my way of coping with it is by dreaming. Unfortunately, they are not so nice ones. Monday night I dreamed that I was being robbed. I knew exactly where I was and what was going to happen next. There was a shooting outside the store and then the guy came inside and he was looking for me. He held a gun to me and I just knew I was going to die. He never took anything from me, nor did he kill me, he just held the gun to me and then left. I do think I know why I had that dream though. Aaron and I just bought a boat that we sign the papers for on Thursday. For the first time I'm afraid for us financially because that will be cutting it real close on money. A boat is something I've always wanted and I should be happy, instead, I'm scared.

Absorb that for a minute.

Then comes along last night's dream. Aaron and I were in a car, not driven by us, going through a trashy neighborhood and I was telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore. I told him I wanted to see other people. In my heart though, I knew I was only saying this because I wanted to know what he would say or do. I actually think I wanted to make him beg me not to leave.

Now give me a minute to absorb that.

Why on God's earth would I do that? Am I looking for reassurancethat he loves me and would be upset if I left, am I that insecure of a person? All I know is that this morning when I woke up, I felt like a truck had run over me, and I heard Aaron come in the room before he left and tell me the dog was outside. Then I heard him walk away. I knew he was getting close to the back door so I screamed for him. He didn't hear me so I threw on my robe and ran towards the kitchen and just as he was stepping into the work van he heard me banging on the window. He came back inside and I threw my arms around him and began to sob. It was the saddest feeling and strangest feeling I've ever had inside. I don't know what came over me. It was like I was saying goodbye to him. I still can't shake the feeling.

After I finally loosened my grip, he left and I sat on the couch and cried. The dream was so real that I guess I was scared that it was reality. I hope it never is.

See, I'm such a tense person, I even stress out in my dreams...
There are people out there fighting much harder battles than I, and I know I do this to myself, but here's hoping your day is wonderful and stress free. Just for one day, (mine will have to start tomorrow since I'll be shaken all day) I wish you no cares in the world.

Now that finals are done, I'll focus on one thing at a time until my checklist is complete. Even if the only thing on the checklist is to make my bed...

I'll be waiting patiently here for the call I get when Aaron gets off work at 3:30. God help him if he calls at 3:31.

The subconcious is a powerful thing.
Happy hump day.

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